Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Replies to Spam #1 - White Russian

I haven't blogged in forever. It's not from a lack of things I want to talk about, it's a lack of time and enthusiasm really. But I've been wanting to do this for a while, so here I am. I get spawm, like everyone. But I'll be honest, I read some of it. Not because I'm interested in what the spammer is offering, but because I find it highly entertaining. I have always wanted to correct grammatically poor spam ads, and respond to particularly creative uses of the English language. So here, without further ado, is the first in what I hope will be a series called "Replies to Spam". Enjoy!

Good afternoon
My name is Alena. 

Hello Alena! It's technically morning here, but hey, this is the Internet. You're probably in another time zone somewhere.

I think my email for you is surprise. And i hope it is a
nice surprise.

Hmm. Well, so you can't really email surprise. Surprise is a state of mind. I'm guessing English isn't your native language, so I'll forgive the oversight for now. I believe what you mean to say is "I think my email for you will be a surprise". And you would be right, since I don't know anyone named Alena. I do enjoy meeting new people, so yes, I hope it will be a nice surprise as well. Always capitalize "I" when referring to yourself. 

I think you will have a question about " where did i find yours email
address. I used a services of dating agency.

OK, I actually didn't have that question. I safely assume that because I've had this email address for a long time, it appears on a number of lists that I would prefer it NOT appear on. And while I've used dating agencies in the past, that was many years ago, long before I had my current email address. So you having acquired my email through one of those channels is just flat out wrong. Are you lying to me? Already? I'm hurt!

They asked me what kind of men i like, and then they offer me to start a
correspondence with you via email.

This carries the implication that I am the type of man you like, but you fail to detail exactly what that is. For all I know, you may like jocks with three inch thick chest hair and hung like a horse. In which case, your dating agency has some real credibility issues already. What agency did you say this was, again? Oh yeah, you didn't. You're asking a lot from me if you expect me to just trust this unknown dating agency, sight unseen.

This agency {%said|Has designated|Has offered%} me that your email address
they found at dating site.

Ahhh! Now I see, the dating agency is the one who lied about getting my email address...but wait, this is a dating agency who found my email at a dating site? So what does the agency do...troll other sites for email adresses? Also, what sort of dating site is this that gives out its members' email addresses? This is all starting to sound really shady! Also, I didn't understand when you said "{%said|Has designated|Has offered%}. 
It's clear to me that English is not your native tongue, so maybe this is simply "lost in translation".

As i said you before my name is Alena. And i am absolutely lonely girl.

There's that lower case 'i' again. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I know how cold and cruel life can be, sometimes. But hang in there, it's going to get better!

I was born and live now in Russia in small town in central part. The name
of my town is .

Ohh, Russia! How interesting. I've never heard of the town of . Are there a lot of people in .? I presume they speak primarily Russian in .

My birthday is on July, 31st. I have no children, but i love kids very

Hey, my son's birthday is at the end of July too! I love him very much. I think kids are great. :-) Hmm, although...you don't say what year you were born...I really hope I'm not breaking any federal laws by talking to you.

Maybe learning more about each other we can have real relations, who knows.

Err, yeah. See, thing is, "having relations" is a euphemism for sex. I hate to rain on your parade, but I'm married. And as stated above, I don't know what age you are so I can't even go there mentally.

I am search for  my true love. I want
to have serious relations.

I hope you do find your true love someday. It's really amazing when you do. Although the "serious relations" does have a tendency to drop off in frequency. Just a friendly piece of advice: telling a perfect stranger you want to have relations with them is probably not a good idea. 

It is a little about myself. I hope it was interesting for you.
I will be waiting your answer very much.

You're right, this email WAS all about you, but it was marginally interesting, hence my reply. You likely won't get it because I'm choosing to respond via my blog, but it was a way to make my day not so boring, so thank you very much for that!

Yours new friend from Russia. Alena..

It's 'your new friend' not 'yours new friend'.

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